Slowing down.... oops, I forgot that I suck at that.

So much for slowing down for the holidays....

Christmas Eve Eve:

Cleaned up front of house, bought and wrapped the last of the gifts, made rum cake, cranberry apple butter, and loaded mashed potatoes. Flea-treated pets and house to ensure no extra guests for Christmas.

Christmas Eve: Dry rubbed turkey, started ham glaze, made turkey stock, cornbread and biscuits, and sausage balls. Canned apple butter, put together dressing ingredients. Cleaned bathrooms, mopped flea stuff off of floors, washed sheets, and set up front of house for Misfits Dinner.

Took a brief nap.

Then D got home, and we ate in the car on the way to see a friend in the hospital, went to his dad's and saw family there, then had spaghetti dinner at his mom's. Were late to Midnight Mass, which didn't end until 12:30am (it actually starts at 10:30pm), and drove an hour home. Fell into bed.

Christmas Day:

Slept in 'til 9am, since it's our last child-free Christmas. Reheated sausage balls & apple cider, opened stockings. Showered, cleaned up, opened the rest of our gifts.

Started turkey, put together dressing, made chocolate pecan pie. Loaded car with gifts for D's family.

Had a fight about it.

Drove up to do Christmas with in-laws, ornament exchange, and gifts.

Were late leaving D's mom's house and had people at our house for Misfit's Dinner before we got home.

Got a darling friend to break into our house and let in our guests.

Entertained til midnight, then cleaned up before falling into bed.

Boxing Day:

Got up, took care of pets, made scones & sausage balls from leftover dough, drove to Chattanooga (~2hrs) to see D's son and spend the day with him.

Walked all over the TN Aquarium, had a fantastic time hanging out with in-laws and outlaws and meeting my stepson.

Had chai and chatted longer after everyone left.

Stopped at the hospital to see our friend again on the way home.

Arrived home about midnight and fell into bed.

.....and now, shockingly enough, my body has quietly informed me it's had enough of that nonsense, and it's going to get sick to ensure we spend a day in bed LOL

Belly pics!

We finally did a set of belly pictures, and I'm only 2 weeks behind in uploading them!

Priorities

Girl on Saturday wrote this timely post about The Life You Lead Every Day and who you really are.

I started to respond, and ended up writing an entire post instead.

Pregnancy is teaching me my limits, in a way that nothing else ever has.

Not 8mos on crutches while I was in the Navy, not even a broken collarbone, 2 surgeries, 3 weeks of bed rest, and 6 mos in a sling.

And I hate it.

I hate it I hate it I hate it!

I don't have limits, dammit!

Not Ms. Do All The Things!

But I do.

I have limited energy, no sex drive, terrible heartburn, insomnia, and oh yeah- a little person growing in my body who takes some offense to my idiotic schedule and refusal to rest or supply him with enough nutrition.

Shit.

I could ignore that for myself.... not so much for our child.

So I'm learning to cope.

• Lowering my number of obligations on a given day.
• Stretching out my to-do list by the week, not every day.
• Accepting help.
• Napping.
• Scheduling recharge time (those naps are a great example)

So what does that mean in concrete terms?

• No Winter Solstice Party this year- but participating in the church's ritual instead.
• Misfits' Christmas Dinner means I only cook 3 dishes, not my usual 'entire meal'. Also, paper plates this year. I can go back to being a rabid environmentalist on the 26th.
• Asking for help to come over and clean with me tomorrow and maybe help me cook.
• Only hitting 1-2 stores at a time while Christmas shopping, instead of my usual marathon of shopping, baking, creating, and wrapping in one day.
• Asking D for help, even when I feel guilty about it (the man works two jobs, I'm allowed to feel guilty even if I am pregnant!)
• Lowering my cooking standards, and eating frozen bagged meals once a week when I feel like crap.

But there are things too important to me to give up:

• Regular attendance at my church (um, I can haz support system?)
• Having a clean house
• Semi-regular social interaction with people who make me feel good
• My holiday traditions, such as Solstice Tea in honor of my Nana
• Continuing to be known as a good/thoughtful gift-giver

Priorities. We all have them. So what if mine are a little Martha Stewart-ish.... only without the jail time.

I officially suck at updates.

I'll try to work on it. Bug me. Seriously.

It's a boy!

We found out yesterday that we're definitely having a boy. I know some ultrasounds aren't very clear, but our little exhibitionist turned around and flashed us so clearly that D & I saw the outline of his testes & penis well before the nurse pointed them out.

So yeah- Damian Orion is due on February 2nd.

I won't pretend that I'm not a little disappointed- I've always wanted a daughter, and known for years that my first child would be a girl, but these results also weren't a surprise because I've been dreaming for months about the baby and he's always been clearly male-sexed.

Of course, this means that the vast majority of the clothes on our registry will be coming off. Between my friends and my next-door neighbor, we're going to be giving away clothes!

Registry advice needed

We have two different registries up now:

Our primary Amazon.com registry with everything we currently want

and the Target registry my relatives requested since they don't like online shopping.

However, Target's site is currently being infuriating, so here's no link at the moment.

Parents, please take a look through these and tell me if there's anything you couldn't live without that we've missed, or something there that you just never once used.

Be aware that the following items are missing because we've been told we're receiving them as gifts already:

• A pack'n'play
• A breast pump
• Dr Bronner's Natural Flow bottles

Lastly, please don't start shopping yet, unless it's for the stuff we'll need no matter what, like diapers. There's still some stuff we'll be receiving from friends that may come off the registry before we formally release it.

There was a lot of screaming...

I have the terrifying and amusing feeling that I may be having a conversation similar to this in February:

Snagged with pleasure from The Devil's Panties (It's not Satanic porn, honest)TM

Please?

Ok, I get it. My body is building another whole human being and that's a lot of work.

I also probably don't eat enough, so my body is probably pulling from its own (meager) stores to do it.

I get it.

But can I please stop feeling exhausted, vulnerable, and needy now?

Mrr?

Mississippi Ballot Initiative Would Define "Personhood" at Moment of Conception, Potentially Outlawing Abortion, Birth Control, and Emergency Contraception

So does this mean that in the ~10% of spontaneously aborted pregnancies, the mother could be charged with manslaughter because her body rejected the embryo?

Au Pairs & Biligualism

Obviously, this is wayyyy out of my current budget, but it's something I've been giving thought to.

I'd like to raise our child at least semi-biligual... and I'm not talking about episodes of "Dora the Explorer". I speak rudimentary German, and the research seems to show pretty strongly that bilingual children develop greater neural pathways for things like reading, critical thinking, art, etc.

Moreover, we're going to need childcare and I'm not wild about most daycares. There are a few great ones, but they're wildly expensive and rarely bilingual-friendly.

Does anyone have any experience with au pairs or thoughts regarding them?

Bragging on D for a few minutes

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 27 years old.

10 years ago, I figured I'd be married, have a house, a career, and kids.

I guess I'm running a little behind, but I'm on track.

Anyway. On to the bragging:

D spoiled me from the moment we woke up to falling exhausted into sleep, asking almost nothing for himself.

He made me biscuits and applewood bacon, which we had with my favorite tea blend and his Mamaw's homemade pear preserves.

Then we did a few things around the house together before he took me to the Yellow Daisy Festival at Stone Mountain, where he wandered with me all afternoon looking at local crafts.

(No, this wasn't quite the monumental sacrifice it would be for some guys... D was as into some of the blown glass, stoneware, furniture, and food as I was!)

We left there and killed a couple of hours wandering around Whole Foods, getting an early dinner and trying goat's milk ice cream for the first time- surprisingly good, once you get used to the richer taste, and a healthier option for ice cream cravings.

He cooked, cleaned up, drove, opened doors, and generally was a perfect gentleman all day. It was glorious.

Finally, it was time to see "The Help", which was both enjoyed, and finally I went home to a leisurely massage and being tucked, boneless with pleasure, into bed.

I am very spoiled, and very, very lucky.

Thank you, D.

Milking my Belly

This cool blog post talked about the author 'milking her belly for all it's worth'- which is to say, in most cases, accepting the help that's offered as a result of her pregnancy.

#1: Someone gave up the coveted front seat of my building’s shuttle today, and instead of thanking him and moving along I graciously accepted. That extra leg room was much appreciated.

#2: When I was walking through the city my shoelace came untied. I stared at it sadly and then just kept walking. A man saw the untied shoelace and offered to tie it for me. I was shocked he offered, and even more shocked that I accepted. Sneaker-tying one month out from your due date is not easy.

#3: I rest things on my belly, like the remote control and my cell phone. Having your own personal table is really fun, especially because it means I get to control the remote all night. Sorry, hubs!

At the end, she asks:

Do you play the pregnancy card, or am I the only scoundrel out there?

Even before my own pregnancy, I considered behavior like this normal. I have watched (and helped) my 7-8-9mos pregnant friends struggle with 'simple' tasks like tying their shoes, loading groceries, etc, and it always seemed to me to be a given that you help someone who is pregnant.

Now, almost 5 months along (but still not really showing, dammit!) I gratefully use my pregnancy when I need help:

"Would you mind moving downwind from me while you're smoking, please? I'm pregnant."

"I'm sorry, I can't commit to that event in December, I'd like to come but I may not be feeling up to it because of the pregnancy."

So far, I can still do my normal tasks- and most of my shoes are slip-ons!- but rest assured, when my belly makes movement difficult, I won't hesitate to accept your help!

What good questions did you ask today?

From this awesome blog post:

I saw an interview with Diane Sawyer recently where she said her dinner-table conversation as a kid was much different than those of her peers. Instead of asking “How was your day, Diane?” or “What did you learn?” her dad simply asked the same question every night:

“What good questions did you ask today?”

Yes, please and thank you.

The grossest useful information for a first-time parent ever

Babycenter.com's Complete Guide to Baby Poop

So yeah, I'm, um, a little behind on updating here

I went through another major period of, "Oh Goddess, am I actually doing this?!?!" that had me not really feeling like updating for a while. So you get a strong of short updates about specific parts of the last 2 months.

In general: I am starting to settle into the whole idea of being a mom, and how it's going to change my life. My current social life isn't family/baby/child-friendly, so that's a real change for me. Fortunately, D and I both have been getting more involved in our UU congregation- that's Unitarian Universalist, for those of you who have never heard of it. If you don't feel like clicking the link, the very basic unifying belief is that we don't care what you believe or Who you believe in- as long as you live that belief with an eye to making the world a better place.

Most importantly for us right now- aside from the fact that I'm a much nicer person when my spiritual needs are being met- like all 'churches', it's very family-oriented. That means free child-care on Sundays, other parents and grandparents with lots of great advice and suggestions and stuff they don't need (wooohooooo! free baby/maternity stuff!), and family-friendly gatherings where I can not only take the baby, but talk to actual grown-ups, something I'm given to understand I'll reallllly miss by about 9 weeks into having a newborn.

Relationship: D and I are also starting couples' counseling next week. We've been going really strong recently, as we settle into one another's communication styles, but I still like to have regular counseling because I consider it no different that car maintenance- you get your car checked out regularly and listen to the expert about how to keep it running well, right? Why would you be squeamish about doing the same thing in your relationship?

Doctory-stuff: We switched to a new midwifery practice- Intown Midwifery, for those in Atlanta- and we're pretty thrilled so far. At their monthly meet'n'greet, they pretty much said everything we wanted to hear:

-Birth is a normal experience- we're here to help you through it, not take it away from you, although we're prepared to help you through any potential complication

-We'll respect your birth plan and your feelings about drugs (in my case- 'I know they're there, I'll ask if I need them but otherwise don't offer them)

-We, and the hospital (Atlanta Medical Center) automatically offer lactation consultants if you've indicated interest in breastfeeding

-AMC offers water births and the midwives are very comfortable with them

-We will not take your child away from you right after the birth unless they medically require monitoring or you request it

-We do not perform routine episiotemies

Yeah... basically everything we wanted to hear- and they take the insurance I currently have! Woohoo!

Next week, since we missed it the last time, we'll be taking the Labor & Delivery tour

Physically: I can definitely tell I'm pregnant, and not just in the "OMG I can't eat anything and I'm tired all the time," way. My breasts are a full cup size larger, I don't fit in any of my regular pants (yoga pants are my best friend), and my belly is still small but hard and round.

Also, I feel full after 5 bites but hungry again 20 minutes later, and am starting to get heartburn if I lie down too soon after eating (<1hr).

Frankly, I'm still not physically enjoying pregnancy, but *shrugs* not everyone does and I refuse to feel bad about not being one of those sparkling, happy, glowing pregnant chicks.

My Pregnancy/Newborn Wish List- and I ain't talkin' 'bout Amazon.com

I realize lots of first-time moms feel like they absolutely need to do everything themselves.

I only learned pretty recently how to ask for help in non-baby-related stuff. Fortunately, for whatever reason, I haven't felt in the least shy about saying, "I don't know what in the HELL I'm doing and I need help!!" with pregnancy, and I'm not planning on that changing any time soon.

All of the good baby books make great suggestions regarding this, and it all boils down to one thing:

Everyone is going to ask how they can help- let them.

So, in that spirit, here's my newborn wish list:

• People to stay with us for whatever time their schedule allows who can help us take care of the house & baby (I plan on breastfeeding, which means every 2 hours I'm going to be stuck in one place for who-knows-how-long and constantly sleep-deprived, which is going to make things like laundry, dishes, cooking, and walking the dog nearly impossible)
• People willing to once a week or every other week, make a grocery run for us (this doesn't have to be out of your own pocket, although that would, of course, be an amazing gift)
• Magazine subscriptions and/or books off my wishlist, because I hate TV and there will only be so long I can spend gazing adoringly at the baby as s/he nurses.
• A subscription to a prepared meal service (Google for the cheapest one in the Atlanta area- there are a ton)
• A subscription for 2-3mos to a laundry service
• Other parents interested in babysitting swaps, maternity clothing pass-ons, family social gatherings (most of our current social life isn't baby-friendly)
• A second 'baby shower' near our due date for freezable meals like casseroles, soups, etc.
• People willing to get me the hell out of the house and away from the baby every once in a while (once the initial baby-NRE wears off)

Moms, dads, parents- what did you wish you had?

Book Review & Random: Caveman's Guide to Pregnancy

Well, I haven't posted in the last few days because I haven't had much to say that wasn't rehashing the same complaints that I've had- and posted about- for weeks. At least the nausea is slowly improving, provided I don't go too long without eating.

D is reading a book I bought him, "The Caveman's Guide to Pregnancy," which is absolutely hilarious, and leading me to think that I might actually drop all the annoying, vapid, cutesy books designed for me, and just start reading the ones for guys. It's great to read a book with a sense of humor that doesn't tell me the same 5 pieces of information 80 times. In fact, this one emphasizes his role in all this: mostly, taking care of me and taking a larger role in the day-to-day stuff around the house I don't have the energy for.

After the first day he read it, he came home and spent almost 40 minutes massaging my calves, thighs, and ass. I'd fucking love that book for that all on its own- you have no idea how unpleasant (and just plain weird-feeling!) the joint changes in those areas have been if you've never been pregnant.

Speaking of which, I've decided that I'm going to commit to going back to the gym starting in the second trimester. I'm reactivating my gym membership, and going to try and Jack off of it and D on. Surely they won't bitch too much about just changing the name on the account?

Anyway, we're going to start working out together, because my inability to cook (and therefore his eating fast food) is doing nothing good for D's waistline (according to him), and I need to start building up some strength and endurance for the biggest endurance competition I'll ever have to go through. (Thanks, Tara, for giving me that amazing simile a few years ago which is how I have been thinking of childbirth ever since.)

The exhaustion's back. I hate this- I've spent almost all day in bed, and now I'm nauseated from taking my vitamins.

They say second trimester is better.

Please?

Someone else's post: Toxic stereotype is toxic

Why Gamer stereotypes are bad for my kid-to-be, and yours too.

Day-to-day maunderings

Busy last few days, and they've caught up.

I'm exhausted and feel half-sick so I'm taking it easy now that errands are done. Jack has been sick with food poisoning so I made banana bread and gave it to him, then picked up my CSA milk, more cat food, dropped off letters at the post office (missed the mail-lady at home), and took Noka to the vet.

$230 she seems fine, and is up-to-date on shots, but based on her lethargy and anxiety they want to do a cancer screening for another $350. I told them I'll try the homeopathic anti-anxiety medication first, then if she doesn't improve I'll save up for the screening.

I also cleaned out the fridge a little and have a pot of chicken soup going for later.

Now I'm curled up on the couch with the 6th Harry Potter book (I'm re-reading the series) and as little of anything productive as I can manage.

Tuesday I have my next prenatal appointment and I need a new midwife after that. I also need to remember to tell this one about my dizzy spells (they're getting worse) and ask them to screen me for toxoplasmosis immunity.

Maternal Instincts?

When I was 15, I read a book off of my stepmother's shelf called, "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom."

More than 10 years later, I found it at the library today.

Reading it again, it's strange and interesting- not to mention validating- to realize how many of my instincts regarding this pregnancy have been spot-on.

I feared the fact that I have no sisters, no mother nearby, no grandmothers- no women around me who have been through this and can support and reassure me.

-Studies show that women who feel supported during their pregnancy have significantly lower incidences of prenatal problems and easier deliveries with fewer interventions.

(Subsequently, I've discovered that my fears are relatively unfounded, however- many of my close female friends are thrilled to stand in as my sisters and help and support me through this)

I feared that my child would know that early on I had not been ambivalent, but actively wanted to abort.

-Studies show that children of ambivalent mothers have higher incidences of anxiety, childhood (and adult) illness, and depression.

(Subsequently, I've been talking to belly, reassuring my child that yes, I was scared at first- and I still am!!- but that we both do want them, and love them deeply already.)

I kept feeling a need to slow down, even to the point of what felt like 'stopping' for me. Even once I got some energy back, I'd go an entire day sitting and reading a book or three, stopping only to do basic things like fix a brief meal and go to the bathroom.

-Studies show that increased stress and anxiety in the mother is heavily linked to prenatal problems, difficult deliveries, and lowered immune systems in their children.

Apparently, I have good instincts?

Food!

Ok, my last 3 posts have been bitchy.

I've actually had a few awesome days, they've just only been partially pregnancy-related so I didn't bother to post them.

Also, you probably don't care about my newly rekindled obsession with food.

I love and hate it. I want it constantly, even when my body rejects it. I drool over recipes, but don't have the energy to cook. Wanna see a frustrated, bitchy Noel? Watch me crave delicious foods but not have the energy or steady hands required to cook them.

Now, that said- amazing food is plentiful in my life. In fact, at D's encouragement (not that i required much!) we've returned to the co-op. Woohoooo! Fresh organic fruits, vegetables, meats, dairy, and bread.

Today- once I shut down the computer and go get off my ass, in fact- I'm picking up today's haul:

Fuji apples, bananas, kiwi, mini watermelon, romaine lettuce, butternut squash, yellow squash, green peppers, red potatoes, celery, honey-wheat bread, croissants, a gallon of whole milk, and a half-gallon of chocolate milk.

Next week, I'll add eggs to the order, but I still have tons.

And today we hit Atlantic Station for Food Truck Friday and D got local bbq, while I got a ceasar salad with amaaazing smoked chicken, and we both got King of Pops fresh Georgia peach popsicles. OMG.

Food.

I love it, even when I hate it. LOL

Oh, and I have to briefly brag on D: one of my favorite little things that he does came up today. He insists on pumping at the gas station because he knows I hate the fumes. Even before pregnancy :)

I love my orthopedist, I hate my orthopedist

Have you noticed the level of ambivalence I'm feeling these days about, well, everything? Cuz I sure am. I used to be the most decisive (albeit usually objective!) person on earth.

(You'll see me say this a lot!)- Then I got pregnant.

Anyway.

I still have a titanium pin in my shoulder. Long story short, I broke my left collarbone back in January. It wasn't healing well, so they put a pin in it. It was when I was going in to get it removed that we found out I'm preggers. Yeah- timing fail.

So now I have a swelling uterus and a titanium pin in my shoulder.

This isn't, in fact, the best combination ever.

Fast forward to yesterday: my orthopedist calls me. He's been talking to radiologists and anesthesiologists, and he doesn't feel like he can guarantee me a safe surgery.

Um, dude? You couldn't guarantee me a safe surgery before pregnancy, that's why I signed that little waiver saying that I know that I won't sue you unless you fuck up for incompetence as opposed to normal risks of opening up my body and messing with my bones and muscles.

Fast forward to today. A (very carefully shielded!) x-ray later, he spend 20 minutes convincing me that it's safe to wait until after delivery to remove the pin.... which is, by the way, a complete 180 from what he said before we found out about the pregnancy.

Look, dude. I get that you're not an OB and you're terrified of hurting my child and I appreciate it. That you worry about my (and my child's) global health is AWESOME.

But my OB isn't worried, so I wish you'd stop freaking out. I've researched the chances, and with modern anesthesia and my own healthy system and complete lack of personal or family history of complications, it should be fine.

So we compromised. I have another appointment midway through the second trimester to check on it again, and if the pin looks like it's causing trouble, 2nd trimester is the bets time for surgery. if it looks fine, we'll know we can wait.

Frankly, I'm just not enthused about a surgery that severely limits my ability to use my left shoulder while taking care of a newborn. Because newborns don't ever need to be picked up and supported two-handed, or held with both arms, and I'm sure that I'll never, I dunno, nurse with the right breast and use my left arm for support....

Introversion

So, all of my life I've had an acute case of extroversion.

I'm one of those people who constantly wants people around. My home has an open-door policy, and I can't imagine spending a holiday without being surrounded by chosen family and dear friends.

Or, I couldn't.

Before I got pregnant.

Now?

I'm turning into an extrovert. I used to fuss at Jack, my former partner, regularly for his introversion, his reluctance to go out ad socialize. I used to tease him about his exhaustion after social occasions, when I'd be bouncing.

Ah, the Universe loves a good case of irony.

D & I have spent the last 5 days surrounded by people. A dear friend in town for a few days, another friend spending the night, then a day with his family. 10 weeks ago, this would have been an ideal week for me.

Now? I'm exhausted and cranky and have been so glad to have my house to myself again.

This change is scary and frustrating. I'm a fairly public figure in my community, and I'm expected to be present at lots of local events. I'm expected to chat and laugh and schmooze, and I'm finding myself too exhausted and antisocial to want to go to the grocery store. This is... problematic.

I get it. My brain is changing to make me a better mother. To acclimate me to the idea of spending much more of my time isolated with only my baby. I get it.

But it's strange and terrifying to see these changes in what I've always thought of as fundamental parts of my personality.

Knowing that something as simple as a chemical bath from pregnancy hormones can change fundamental parts of my psyche is... scary... and it gives rise to terrible fears about the mutability of concepts about myself I've always taken for granted.

I hate pregnancy books

Can I just say how deeply I hate most pregnancy books?

Apparently, every woman who's ever been pregnant is automatically glowy-happy-thrilled by their pregnancy and no woman is every ambivalent, scared, or just plain not ready for this.

The insipid advice: "you may be feeling some emotional changes,but not to worry- that's normal," doesn't even begin to cover the mood swings, depression, elation, and mind-numbing terror of being pregnant, much less being pregnant without having planned it yet!

Want to know what those "emotional changes" are really like, for an ambivalent woman still half-hoping in the back of her head for a spontaneous miscarriage?

Try waking up in the morning nauseated and gassy, and feeling like shifting a single muscle is the hardest thing you've ever done. Wonder what's wrong and if you're hung over, then remember that alcohol is forbidden to you by the Gods of PC Pregnancy, and feel your stomach drop sickeningly at the terrifying reminder that there's a parasitic tadpole latching onto your organs and sucking the nutrition out of you just like it will suck away your time, energy, and finances for the next 20 years.

Then have your partner try to snuggle you closer, maybe initiate some hanky-panky, and try not to shove them away in utter revulsion for any physical contact right now... and then spend the next hour smoothing away the emotional damage your abrupt rejection has left in your relationship- while still struggling with nausea, gas, fatigue, and the overwhelming desire to slit your partner's throat so that they will just leave you alone.

Fuck you, "What to Expect When You're Expecting," there is nothing between your covers that prepares a woman for that.

Nothing.

"Emotional changes," my ass.

Opinions?

Although we don't know our tadpole's sex yet, I saw a debate on a pregnancy forum today that got D & I to talking: to circumcise or not to circumcise?

Pros: "Normal" for American culture/aesthetically pleasing

Reduced risk of HIV transmission

Reduced risk of UTIs

Easier to clean

Cons: Male genital mutilation- I wouldn't cut my little girl's vagina, why would I cut my little boy's penis?

All of the previous "reduced risk" statements can be traced back to proper cleaning & responsible sexual activity

American Academy of Pediatrics no longer endorses it, says there's no medical reason for it

Reduced sexual sensitivity when he's older

Personally, I'm leaning toward,"No," because I just don't see much good reason for cutting on my child.

D is leaning a little toward, "Yes," because he is and then they are the same, leading to a perception of himself as 'normal' due to matching his first model of an adult male body.

Your thoughts?

A little bit more of the day-to-day

I feel like I'm finally getting used to thinking of myself as pregnant, and less freaked out every time I am reminded of it.

It's strange the changes that this has already brought to my body and my psyche. Over the last few weeks (I'm currently almost 9 weeks along), I've physically struggled with low-level nausea (constantly, not just mornings!), constipation, gas/bloating, and a level of fatigue the likes of which I'd never known.

Of everything, the nausea and fatigue were the worst: I'd go all day barely able to move around because every movement felt like 20x the usual energy expenditure, and frustrated not only because I knew it was exacerbated by the nausea which prevented me from eating and taking in a reasonable number of calories, but by the simple fact that I'm an extremely high-energy, high-functioning person. My to-do list is usually at least a page long, and and having to take a nap after cleaning up the kitchen for 20 minutes was infuriating.

Emotionally, it wasn't much better. Aside from the frustration and depression brought on by the physical changes in my body, I was struggling with a chronic low-level (and sometimes very acute!) depression. Add to that a set of mood swings that felt like PMS on steroids, and I was not a happy camper.

Unfortunately, when combined with my ambivalence about the pregnancy earlier on, this led to a lot of tension between D and I. He didn't understand why I couldn't do even basic housework and expected him to do more work after he got home from a 10-hour shift, and felt incredibly frustrated that I ran hot and cold toward him all the time. When his own fears of my leaving were added to the mix, it created a very unpleasant environment.

Now that my body and my emotions are calming down some, everything seems to be more manageable. I'm slowly getting my energy back and have been able to socialize some, D and I are doing extremely well, and the physical symptoms are down to a reasonable level.

Yes, I still have nausea some days and bloating most of them, but it's no longer enough to lay me out for the day.

Mostly, I'm just thrilled that things are manageable now and that my relationship is back on track.

Today, we're headed to D's sister's to spend some time with his family on his off-day, and move the last of his belongings here to our home.

So, a little background

My godfather suggested recently that I start a blog about my pregnancy. I already have several, but Compartmentalization Queen that I am, this needed it's own forum.

Background:

I'm 26, just graduated with a degree in Psychology, and wasn't planning on having kids for a few more years.

However, in the hospital to have a titanium pin removed from my clavicle, I received a bit of a surprise: I am pregnant! My boyfriend was ecstatic- I was a little more ambivalent.

And by ambivalent, I mean that I was devastated and spent half the day crying. I wanted a child with D, and we'd talked about it, but not yet. Not without a job, not on the heels of getting my house to myself for the first time ever, not this early in D's and my relationship.

I literally ran away, taking D and running to one of my best friend's houses and staying there all day. The next morning, we went for a blood test and had it confirmed. I was 4-6weeks along, and definitely pregnant.

I won't lie here- I spent several weeks considering an abortion. D and I spent weeks having passionate discussions about it- I was afraid of even trying under these circumstances (for all that they're better than so many other womens'), and he was terrified of losing not only the child he wanted so much, but me.

Weeks of snipping and snarling at one another later, we finally came to the root of the problem:

I couldn't handle his temper and his quick trigger to argue, and he couldn't turn those things off while simultaneously quitting smoking and obsessing about the possibility of losing his child and his girlfriend.

Less than ten minutes later, we were in one another's arms, crying together. I had had no idea how afraid he was, and he'd had no idea what a struggle my physical symptoms had been for me and therefore why my own temper had been so short.

Both of us had blamed our struggling relationship and the other.

Now, we're working together again and getting excited. Our registry is up on Amazon, and we've been slowly telling our friends and family.

There's plenty more to say, but there's the background!