The Stuff Nobody Told Me About Mommy-ing

Everyone likes to tell you about the sweet stuff about becoming a mother, about how your life is forever changed (they forget to mention that one of the major changes is a complete lack of privacy for the next 20-some-odd years), and you'll never love anyone else in the world like you do your baby (until the 18th diaper blowout of the day on the one day you are already running on 2 hours sleep and have a major meeting scheduled).

• After a vaginal birth, you'll bleed for several days. Complete with huge blood clots the size of your newborn baby's head. Yes, it's normal. No, you're not dying. Yes, you'll wonder about that at least briefly the first time you see one. They're scary. 
• Bonding may not be instant. It doesn't mean you won't bond. When I first looked at my son, I remember thinking, "You'd better be a Rhodes Scholar or some shit, kid, to be worth all of this." Now, I am completely in love with him, but it took 2 months and some good medications. Other women took a few days, or even longer than I did. 
• Speaking of which, PPD (Post Partum depression) is a thing. A very real thing. And even if you think you won't be prone to it, you might. You are NOT failing your child by asking for help. And it doesn't just manifest as thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby. That's crap. Often, it manifests as anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, terror that something will happen to the baby, inability to bond, etc etc. Basically, if YOU feel like something is "off,", talk to your OB or Midwife at your 2 week checkup. Having PPD does not make you a bad parent. Nor does it mean that you will never love or bond with your baby. I am living proof otherwise. Edit: If you go on meds for PPD, as I did, please check to be sure that they are compatible with breastfeeding if you're doing so. Even OBs and midwives mess this one up occasionally, as mine did!
• There will be moments when you resent your child, even hate them. There will be moments when you want to scream at them and even hit them- even while they're tiny, helpless infants. In the tribal cultures in which humans evolved, new moms were never alone, and there was always someone to take the baby and help with it so you could go pee, or eat, or even take a Gods-blessed nap. American moms don't have that. We're expected to go it alone, without ever dropping our adoration of our beautiful bundles of baby joy. That's unreasonable. The moments when you hate your child will come. Let them. Walk out of the room, even if they're crying. Trust me, your baby is better off alone for the 20 minute than with a mommy who's at the end of her rope. 
• Carry a small diaper bag. Babies are heavy. You don't have to carry a suitcase around as well. If you're wandering around, all you really need is 1-2 diapers, and small package of wipes, a change of shirt for baby, a bottle if you use one, a small baby blanket, and maybe a toy, pacifier, or small changing station cover. (I carried one of the little fold-up covers that fit into a purse-sized bag, but usually just wiped down the changing table with a wet wipe rather than dig it out of my bag). Reserve your giant bag of OMG-I-Can-Survive-A-Major-World-Disaster. Keep a spare shirt for yourself and your partner in that bag. Trust me. Spit-up happens.
• Breastfeeding isn't always easy, but it is not supposed to hurt. Find a lactation consultant. Pay them if necessary (but your insurance probably will, even if you're on Medicaid), but for Goddess' sake, find one and talk to them. Have them evaluate your baby's latch and your nursing style. Ask questions. Get help. Most new moms have never even seen breastfeeding before they're expected to do it perfectly. Find a local breastfeeding group or LaLecheLeague. They will help you. 
• On the other side of that, if you cannot breastfeed for some reason, don't let anyone shame you. Formula is not as good as breastmilk and we all know it- however, entire generations were raised on it, and we're in pretty good shape. Formula isn't perfect, but it is good enough. No one gets to shame you for the choices you make for yourself and your baby. 
• Other moms- and even people without kids- will judge you, no matter what you do. Take a deep breath and deal with it. Someone will always be upset about what you did or didn't do with your baby. Repeat after me: All of those people can shove it. They are not raising your child in your life, and they can all shove off. 

Edit: Additions suggested by other moms

Birth is disgusting. You may very well poop in the process. Don't worry, it's normal. If you're having a waterbirth, they'll tell you to bring a fishnet to scoop it out. That's how normal it is. 

Speak up for yourself or have an ally there who can help you. Don't feel bad about demanding the birth experience you want. Doctors and nurses are jerks sometimes, and forget that patients/moms are people, and that their bad attitudes (if they have one) can leave scars on your birth experience. Also, you have the right to kick anyone out of the room- your doctor, your partner, that rude nurse, your mom... anyone. And they are required to obey, including your doctor. 

Many hospitals have delivery food. Yes, you can use it. yes, it's safe to eat during labor (unless you're certain you're having a c-section. Some hospitals won't let you because of that possibility, but it's dumb to ask you to basically run a marathon without giving you fuel. Bring a cooler and claim it's for your partner. After, order food if you want, or ask people who want to come see you and the baby to bring whatever food you're craving. Trust me, they'll be glad to. Everyone wants a way to help you but no one knows how to without being intrusive. 

Stress incontinence happens- your PC muscles won't be as strong as they used to be, and you can pee a little from sneezing, jumping, running, etc. Kegels will help... eventually.

Speaking of which, you're going to hurt for days afterwards, most likely. Someone women are up and wandering around within hours, while others are exhausted and in pain for days. It's not a competition- react the way your body needs you to, and don't let anyone guilt you into doing otherwise. My midwives told me to plan to be completely useless for 2 weeks afterwards... so I prepped freezer crockpot meals and stocked up on laundry detergent and other non-perishables so I had to do as little as possible with a newborn. I also allowed my friends to come and help me, they did basic chores i hurt too much to do, held the baby so i could go pee, etc. They loved feeling like they'd helped, and I loved not having to sweep and do dishes while still hurting!

"If you have had a history of drug use in the past and are sober, I would seriously recommend keeping that information to yourself (despite the fact that this is antithetical to good care.) My after experience was awful because I was honest even though I hadn't used drugs (or smoked or drank since I became pregnant) for a long time." 
(Providers freak out about the idea of drugs/alcohol around babies and seem to assume you'll automatically fall back into any of your worst habits, and can be pretty nasty and judgmental over it. If you are safely sober/clean, this may not be the best time to disclose... as antithetical as that may be to good care, normally.)

Your sex drive may nose-dive while pregnant/breastfeeding. or it may ramp up. There is nothing wrong with either response. both are normal.