Are You Okay?

This is my rant at both sides of the free range vs. helicopter parenting wars.

You'll probably be offended. Sorry not sorry.

Now that you've had your caveat, let's get on to the ranting.

I hate it when parents say, "Man up, you're okay!" after a child falls and hurts themselves. Especially boys. Consider what you're teaching your son: "don't admit that you're hurt, don't ask for help or comfort when you're in pain. You're a man, so man up." Consider for a minute how that translates to adulthood.
Ladies, ever been irritated that your husband is clearly hurting or upset about something but won't talk to you about it/can't admit it? Well, here is where it starts, folks. Consider not teaching your child that it isn't okay to be hurt.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have the folks who run screaming to their children, patting them down with anxious hands every time they trip and stumble. Newsflash: kids model their reactions off of yours. Your precious baby is probably not that fragile, but you've taught them to freak out every time they fall down. Stop it. Calm down, they aren't going to die over a skinned knee. If you calm down, they will, too.

Bonkers was running headlong through IKEA one day when he was about 16mos old. Full sprint, and fell sprawled into the concrete walkway- face-first. 4 women went rushing over to him, but I waved them all back. I knelt down and asked calmly, "Hey dude, you okay?"
"I'm okay!" and he was off again.
One woman exclaimed over how tough he was, "but little boys are like that."
I looked her in the eye and responded, "I should hope my daughter would be like that, too. Kids are as tough as you let them be."

I ask Bonkers if he's okay. It lets him make that call- it teaches him to evaluate himself and his injuries, filter the information through the pain (assuming there is pain), and make a decision. If he says, "yes," then he runs off. (If there's blood, I'll probably snag him back and at least pour some water over it) If he says, "No," or starts crying, well, then, he's actually hurting and it's time for the Magic Mommy's Lap Comfort of Amazing, and whatever other first aid is appropriate (currently, band-aids fix everything).
He has learned that if he's hurt, comfort is available and he will not be shamed. He has learned to evaluate and respond. He has learned that I trust him to make his own evaluation of it. He has learned a skill that most adults don't have: responding to a crisis, even a teeny-tiny one.

Maternal Instincts?

When I was 15, I read a book off of my stepmother's shelf called, "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom."

More than 10 years later, I found it at the library today.

Reading it again, it's strange and interesting- not to mention validating- to realize how many of my instincts regarding this pregnancy have been spot-on.

I feared the fact that I have no sisters, no mother nearby, no grandmothers- no women around me who have been through this and can support and reassure me.

-Studies show that women who feel supported during their pregnancy have significantly lower incidences of prenatal problems and easier deliveries with fewer interventions.

(Subsequently, I've discovered that my fears are relatively unfounded, however- many of my close female friends are thrilled to stand in as my sisters and help and support me through this)

I feared that my child would know that early on I had not been ambivalent, but actively wanted to abort.

-Studies show that children of ambivalent mothers have higher incidences of anxiety, childhood (and adult) illness, and depression.

(Subsequently, I've been talking to belly, reassuring my child that yes, I was scared at first- and I still am!!- but that we both do want them, and love them deeply already.)

I kept feeling a need to slow down, even to the point of what felt like 'stopping' for me. Even once I got some energy back, I'd go an entire day sitting and reading a book or three, stopping only to do basic things like fix a brief meal and go to the bathroom.

-Studies show that increased stress and anxiety in the mother is heavily linked to prenatal problems, difficult deliveries, and lowered immune systems in their children.

Apparently, I have good instincts?

I love my orthopedist, I hate my orthopedist

Have you noticed the level of ambivalence I'm feeling these days about, well, everything? Cuz I sure am. I used to be the most decisive (albeit usually objective!) person on earth.

(You'll see me say this a lot!)- Then I got pregnant.

Anyway.

I still have a titanium pin in my shoulder. Long story short, I broke my left collarbone back in January. It wasn't healing well, so they put a pin in it. It was when I was going in to get it removed that we found out I'm preggers. Yeah- timing fail.

So now I have a swelling uterus and a titanium pin in my shoulder.

This isn't, in fact, the best combination ever.

Fast forward to yesterday: my orthopedist calls me. He's been talking to radiologists and anesthesiologists, and he doesn't feel like he can guarantee me a safe surgery.

Um, dude? You couldn't guarantee me a safe surgery before pregnancy, that's why I signed that little waiver saying that I know that I won't sue you unless you fuck up for incompetence as opposed to normal risks of opening up my body and messing with my bones and muscles.

Fast forward to today. A (very carefully shielded!) x-ray later, he spend 20 minutes convincing me that it's safe to wait until after delivery to remove the pin.... which is, by the way, a complete 180 from what he said before we found out about the pregnancy.

Look, dude. I get that you're not an OB and you're terrified of hurting my child and I appreciate it. That you worry about my (and my child's) global health is AWESOME.

But my OB isn't worried, so I wish you'd stop freaking out. I've researched the chances, and with modern anesthesia and my own healthy system and complete lack of personal or family history of complications, it should be fine.

So we compromised. I have another appointment midway through the second trimester to check on it again, and if the pin looks like it's causing trouble, 2nd trimester is the bets time for surgery. if it looks fine, we'll know we can wait.

Frankly, I'm just not enthused about a surgery that severely limits my ability to use my left shoulder while taking care of a newborn. Because newborns don't ever need to be picked up and supported two-handed, or held with both arms, and I'm sure that I'll never, I dunno, nurse with the right breast and use my left arm for support....