Introversion

So, all of my life I've had an acute case of extroversion.

I'm one of those people who constantly wants people around. My home has an open-door policy, and I can't imagine spending a holiday without being surrounded by chosen family and dear friends.

Or, I couldn't.

Before I got pregnant.

Now?

I'm turning into an extrovert. I used to fuss at Jack, my former partner, regularly for his introversion, his reluctance to go out ad socialize. I used to tease him about his exhaustion after social occasions, when I'd be bouncing.

Ah, the Universe loves a good case of irony.

D & I have spent the last 5 days surrounded by people. A dear friend in town for a few days, another friend spending the night, then a day with his family. 10 weeks ago, this would have been an ideal week for me.

Now? I'm exhausted and cranky and have been so glad to have my house to myself again.

This change is scary and frustrating. I'm a fairly public figure in my community, and I'm expected to be present at lots of local events. I'm expected to chat and laugh and schmooze, and I'm finding myself too exhausted and antisocial to want to go to the grocery store. This is... problematic.

I get it. My brain is changing to make me a better mother. To acclimate me to the idea of spending much more of my time isolated with only my baby. I get it.

But it's strange and terrifying to see these changes in what I've always thought of as fundamental parts of my personality.

Knowing that something as simple as a chemical bath from pregnancy hormones can change fundamental parts of my psyche is... scary... and it gives rise to terrible fears about the mutability of concepts about myself I've always taken for granted.