Introversion

So, all of my life I've had an acute case of extroversion.

I'm one of those people who constantly wants people around. My home has an open-door policy, and I can't imagine spending a holiday without being surrounded by chosen family and dear friends.

Or, I couldn't.

Before I got pregnant.

Now?

I'm turning into an extrovert. I used to fuss at Jack, my former partner, regularly for his introversion, his reluctance to go out ad socialize. I used to tease him about his exhaustion after social occasions, when I'd be bouncing.

Ah, the Universe loves a good case of irony.

D & I have spent the last 5 days surrounded by people. A dear friend in town for a few days, another friend spending the night, then a day with his family. 10 weeks ago, this would have been an ideal week for me.

Now? I'm exhausted and cranky and have been so glad to have my house to myself again.

This change is scary and frustrating. I'm a fairly public figure in my community, and I'm expected to be present at lots of local events. I'm expected to chat and laugh and schmooze, and I'm finding myself too exhausted and antisocial to want to go to the grocery store. This is... problematic.

I get it. My brain is changing to make me a better mother. To acclimate me to the idea of spending much more of my time isolated with only my baby. I get it.

But it's strange and terrifying to see these changes in what I've always thought of as fundamental parts of my personality.

Knowing that something as simple as a chemical bath from pregnancy hormones can change fundamental parts of my psyche is... scary... and it gives rise to terrible fears about the mutability of concepts about myself I've always taken for granted.

I hate pregnancy books

Can I just say how deeply I hate most pregnancy books?

Apparently, every woman who's ever been pregnant is automatically glowy-happy-thrilled by their pregnancy and no woman is every ambivalent, scared, or just plain not ready for this.

The insipid advice: "you may be feeling some emotional changes,but not to worry- that's normal," doesn't even begin to cover the mood swings, depression, elation, and mind-numbing terror of being pregnant, much less being pregnant without having planned it yet!

Want to know what those "emotional changes" are really like, for an ambivalent woman still half-hoping in the back of her head for a spontaneous miscarriage?

Try waking up in the morning nauseated and gassy, and feeling like shifting a single muscle is the hardest thing you've ever done. Wonder what's wrong and if you're hung over, then remember that alcohol is forbidden to you by the Gods of PC Pregnancy, and feel your stomach drop sickeningly at the terrifying reminder that there's a parasitic tadpole latching onto your organs and sucking the nutrition out of you just like it will suck away your time, energy, and finances for the next 20 years.

Then have your partner try to snuggle you closer, maybe initiate some hanky-panky, and try not to shove them away in utter revulsion for any physical contact right now... and then spend the next hour smoothing away the emotional damage your abrupt rejection has left in your relationship- while still struggling with nausea, gas, fatigue, and the overwhelming desire to slit your partner's throat so that they will just leave you alone.

Fuck you, "What to Expect When You're Expecting," there is nothing between your covers that prepares a woman for that.

Nothing.

"Emotional changes," my ass.

Opinions?

Although we don't know our tadpole's sex yet, I saw a debate on a pregnancy forum today that got D & I to talking: to circumcise or not to circumcise?

Pros: "Normal" for American culture/aesthetically pleasing

Reduced risk of HIV transmission

Reduced risk of UTIs

Easier to clean

Cons: Male genital mutilation- I wouldn't cut my little girl's vagina, why would I cut my little boy's penis?

All of the previous "reduced risk" statements can be traced back to proper cleaning & responsible sexual activity

American Academy of Pediatrics no longer endorses it, says there's no medical reason for it

Reduced sexual sensitivity when he's older

Personally, I'm leaning toward,"No," because I just don't see much good reason for cutting on my child.

D is leaning a little toward, "Yes," because he is and then they are the same, leading to a perception of himself as 'normal' due to matching his first model of an adult male body.

Your thoughts?

A little bit more of the day-to-day

I feel like I'm finally getting used to thinking of myself as pregnant, and less freaked out every time I am reminded of it.

It's strange the changes that this has already brought to my body and my psyche. Over the last few weeks (I'm currently almost 9 weeks along), I've physically struggled with low-level nausea (constantly, not just mornings!), constipation, gas/bloating, and a level of fatigue the likes of which I'd never known.

Of everything, the nausea and fatigue were the worst: I'd go all day barely able to move around because every movement felt like 20x the usual energy expenditure, and frustrated not only because I knew it was exacerbated by the nausea which prevented me from eating and taking in a reasonable number of calories, but by the simple fact that I'm an extremely high-energy, high-functioning person. My to-do list is usually at least a page long, and and having to take a nap after cleaning up the kitchen for 20 minutes was infuriating.

Emotionally, it wasn't much better. Aside from the frustration and depression brought on by the physical changes in my body, I was struggling with a chronic low-level (and sometimes very acute!) depression. Add to that a set of mood swings that felt like PMS on steroids, and I was not a happy camper.

Unfortunately, when combined with my ambivalence about the pregnancy earlier on, this led to a lot of tension between D and I. He didn't understand why I couldn't do even basic housework and expected him to do more work after he got home from a 10-hour shift, and felt incredibly frustrated that I ran hot and cold toward him all the time. When his own fears of my leaving were added to the mix, it created a very unpleasant environment.

Now that my body and my emotions are calming down some, everything seems to be more manageable. I'm slowly getting my energy back and have been able to socialize some, D and I are doing extremely well, and the physical symptoms are down to a reasonable level.

Yes, I still have nausea some days and bloating most of them, but it's no longer enough to lay me out for the day.

Mostly, I'm just thrilled that things are manageable now and that my relationship is back on track.

Today, we're headed to D's sister's to spend some time with his family on his off-day, and move the last of his belongings here to our home.

So, a little background

My godfather suggested recently that I start a blog about my pregnancy. I already have several, but Compartmentalization Queen that I am, this needed it's own forum.

Background:

I'm 26, just graduated with a degree in Psychology, and wasn't planning on having kids for a few more years.

However, in the hospital to have a titanium pin removed from my clavicle, I received a bit of a surprise: I am pregnant! My boyfriend was ecstatic- I was a little more ambivalent.

And by ambivalent, I mean that I was devastated and spent half the day crying. I wanted a child with D, and we'd talked about it, but not yet. Not without a job, not on the heels of getting my house to myself for the first time ever, not this early in D's and my relationship.

I literally ran away, taking D and running to one of my best friend's houses and staying there all day. The next morning, we went for a blood test and had it confirmed. I was 4-6weeks along, and definitely pregnant.

I won't lie here- I spent several weeks considering an abortion. D and I spent weeks having passionate discussions about it- I was afraid of even trying under these circumstances (for all that they're better than so many other womens'), and he was terrified of losing not only the child he wanted so much, but me.

Weeks of snipping and snarling at one another later, we finally came to the root of the problem:

I couldn't handle his temper and his quick trigger to argue, and he couldn't turn those things off while simultaneously quitting smoking and obsessing about the possibility of losing his child and his girlfriend.

Less than ten minutes later, we were in one another's arms, crying together. I had had no idea how afraid he was, and he'd had no idea what a struggle my physical symptoms had been for me and therefore why my own temper had been so short.

Both of us had blamed our struggling relationship and the other.

Now, we're working together again and getting excited. Our registry is up on Amazon, and we've been slowly telling our friends and family.

There's plenty more to say, but there's the background!